This year has been very full on- a Bipolar admission to the phyche ward after someone made a commented to me 'It is a pity You did not treat your Mum well during her life' while I was caring for her in a hospital bed in their home in Richmond while she was she dying and supporting my parents through her death- me the child they did not plan and I was taunted about not being wanted by my siblings during my childhood. I was able to have such open discussions with my parents in the last two years since nursing my Mother after a stroke in Townsville Hospital in August 2012.
My Dad came to have 2014 Christmas with my family here in Rockhampton and the two great grand daughters but on Christmas night he was abused by my husband and had to sleep at my sons then come and get his clothes the next day and move to a van park. I was in front of this angry man with who was blown up like the Incridible hulk, just hitting into him to get him to snap out of the anger and my son and daughter's partner were standing in front of my Dad in case he got past me. Of course my Husband had right on his side- A grieving Widower had upset him so he was in his right to abuse him and ring up everybody giving his percieved version of the event so when I texted to event to my brother he abused me and told me my husband was right. Such is his delusions with his radiotherapy affected reasoning.
Cyclone Marcia came thorough in February- I took off to Moranbah to my younger sister's 40th Brithday as it was our family's first get together without our mum- my older sister could not make it. Cyclone Marcia blew some trees over and put branches everywhere, put a limb over my old caravan where I still had my trinkets and precious stuff stored in and I recently found early photos of my Father's families cousins wet and destroyed.
Our place got on the news in March 2015 when my Brother in law was wounded by a gunshot wound from his friend Greg son Tim who had been involved in a motor bike accident and had brain injury and was having therapy of target shooting on our property with his Dad who he shot from behind before firing 3 bullets at my brother in law and then shot himself. My husband was not home, I was at work so missed it all, but the call for help came when he was close enough to save his wounded brother and bring him back to the ambulance. Some inconvenience until the ascertain if both Greg and Tim were dead and then forensic investigation so we had to sleep at our Son and Daughter in laws that night, I worked next morning too.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-04-02/mans-terrifying-escape-from-murder-suicide-near-rockhampton/6369532
I had the left minuscule tear and cartilage graft operation on 30th April 2015, Once I came of f crutches after 6 weeks I was diagnosed with a L4/5 Disc Protrusion possibly form a chiropractor dropping the bed down as I had asked not do when the treatment being used was not helping the hip pain, During the CT and MRI it was shown that I had irregular bone marrow and a breast or illiac fossa biopsy was suggested to which I replied "No Biopsy's, but you can do an Autopsy". My fear of lymphoedema from underarm gland removal is so great a my husband is so reluctant to care for me when I am on crutches after leg surgery.
I took selenium, apricot kernals and Jason Winters Tea till I was physically sick so and could not face eating them again- I still remain on Selenium and Jason Winters tea at times.
I began reducing the lithium due to urinary incontence, suicide thoughts and then a severe depression, no motivation, no ability to get the house packed up so stopped it in November.
While on crutches recovering from my knee surgery I gazed out the kitchen window of our cold house and wondered if it was as nice back down in the dongha at the creek as I remembered- on driving down the answer was YES- so plans were made to move back to "Creekhome" and rent out the house.
On 3rd December 2015 I had an urgent USS in case of a blood clot and found a Leaking Bakers Cyst- I did not heed the Drs advice and take rest but kept on my usual active lifestyle and by 7th December I was in agony, could not walk due to fluid in the knee joint so have been on recliner rest and crutches again since Monday- Pain killers sent me high so back on Lithium to counteract it as when I am high, I am happy and my husband does not like to see me happy as he gets angry when I am.
Plans are to set up the Granny Flat in the shed for Doug's camp until we can get the old caravan down at the Creek then it can be my sleeping room and I will live in the dongha as I have been doing for the past few months after getting home from work at midnight and not wishing to be disturbed by Doug walking around the house from 4am.
Tuesday, 8 December 2015
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Big change reverting to House living
After having our son and daughter in law live in our home for 18 mths the decision was made with them moving back into their own home that we would move back into our house and abandon our Creek Home. I have organized to get a new door in the eastern end of the house.
Shortly after moving into the house again my mother found out she had cancer so a lot of time has been spent traveling the 8 to 12 hrs distance to have time with her.
Then I did a three fold injury on my knee- 8 to 12 weeks of taking it easy, less walking so that has hampered getting things in the house how I need them. Lots of stuff is still in the big caravan down at the creek.
then my husband's parents went into a nursing home and their home needs to be sold so a trip there sorting things out out. 2 Car loads of stuff from Doug's parents and one carload from My Mum when she died on 20th November 2014 have left a very cluttered house.
I cared for Mum for a week having a hospital bed in her home for 3 days. My Dad and I watched her get weaker and weaker until hospital admission was necessary and waited till she left us another 3 days.
Shortly after moving into the house again my mother found out she had cancer so a lot of time has been spent traveling the 8 to 12 hrs distance to have time with her.
Then I did a three fold injury on my knee- 8 to 12 weeks of taking it easy, less walking so that has hampered getting things in the house how I need them. Lots of stuff is still in the big caravan down at the creek.
then my husband's parents went into a nursing home and their home needs to be sold so a trip there sorting things out out. 2 Car loads of stuff from Doug's parents and one carload from My Mum when she died on 20th November 2014 have left a very cluttered house.
I cared for Mum for a week having a hospital bed in her home for 3 days. My Dad and I watched her get weaker and weaker until hospital admission was necessary and waited till she left us another 3 days.
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Counselling and outcome
We both went to Counseling but the Counselor felt it was more a marriage issue than my husband having problems as a result of Radiotherapy. That night he was angry at things I had brought up but they needed to be aired as he was avoiding conflict by using what I considered to be blackmail.
My husband kept saying that he "did not realise things were so bad" and yes I do believe that he may not have realised as he stopped me from telling by threatening "to end it all" if I continued to harass him.
As a result of the counseling together he consented he was suffering from depression and he did need to go and get antidepressants which he started taking and working through the side effects of nausea, head spins and tiredness. I left as he went to see the Dr to have a 3 week break visiting a Natural Therapist who does Medical Massage of the spine as I have had scoliosis since a fall from a pony at 16 yrs of age where I had a painful back but did not mention it as I feared being taken back to the Chiro with that pain which lasted a couple of months, Xrays taken years later show a fractured vertebra in L4-5 position and a crushed tailbone. I also have a hormonal breast lump that changed position after my wonderful 50th birthday where previously I had told my Auntie "I will be there with bells on" so unwisely wore metal bells on my pocket. I was facing Radiotherapy planning for my Husband the next week and was very much not wanting to go through with it as after his Radiotherapy for Lip cancers in 1983 and 1996 he had definite personality changes and I did not feel I could adjust to yet another personality in my marriage. Having lost the man I married after just 18 mths of marriage has always been a source of grief to me.
My husband kept saying that he "did not realise things were so bad" and yes I do believe that he may not have realised as he stopped me from telling by threatening "to end it all" if I continued to harass him.
As a result of the counseling together he consented he was suffering from depression and he did need to go and get antidepressants which he started taking and working through the side effects of nausea, head spins and tiredness. I left as he went to see the Dr to have a 3 week break visiting a Natural Therapist who does Medical Massage of the spine as I have had scoliosis since a fall from a pony at 16 yrs of age where I had a painful back but did not mention it as I feared being taken back to the Chiro with that pain which lasted a couple of months, Xrays taken years later show a fractured vertebra in L4-5 position and a crushed tailbone. I also have a hormonal breast lump that changed position after my wonderful 50th birthday where previously I had told my Auntie "I will be there with bells on" so unwisely wore metal bells on my pocket. I was facing Radiotherapy planning for my Husband the next week and was very much not wanting to go through with it as after his Radiotherapy for Lip cancers in 1983 and 1996 he had definite personality changes and I did not feel I could adjust to yet another personality in my marriage. Having lost the man I married after just 18 mths of marriage has always been a source of grief to me.
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| The bells that caused the breast lump to move - or was it Emotional? |
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| Left breast lump with Nipple retraction before Med-Massage Therapy |
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| Breast Lump size as per drawing after first Med-Massage Therapy and a diet of Fruit, seeded veges and fish- no nipple retraction. |
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| Nipple retraction back- due for visit but not able to make the trip and went back to a conventional diet |
Friday, 8 November 2013
Indifference
Several angry outbursts from my Husband today as I clean up our "Creek Home" and moved my things into the big caravan- not many of my nic nacs left now, just one cupboard of clothes as the walk in robe filled with men's clothing today. I found I felt pity for him in his anger but I was indifferent and able to remain detached.
I finally bought two solar power generation systems for each camp to keep our 12 volt batteries topped up- this is something that has been beyond my husband to fathom out. One chat to Jaycar and I had sorted out what we needed. I can see I am going to have to make many more decisions- I have already taken over a lots of the decision making but left the mechanical stuff to the man.
I finally bought two solar power generation systems for each camp to keep our 12 volt batteries topped up- this is something that has been beyond my husband to fathom out. One chat to Jaycar and I had sorted out what we needed. I can see I am going to have to make many more decisions- I have already taken over a lots of the decision making but left the mechanical stuff to the man.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Profile Pic
I chose this profile picture as it shows me looking happily into my husbands eyes at our 31st Wedding Anniversary on 26th June this year- yes I am an actress and can smile while my heart is breaking as I have done this all my life.
How to Start?
What prompted my decision for more alone time was an angry outburst where my
husband forbid me to have anything to do with a little girl who needs
me, a boy who needs help riding a big green horse and a lady who does not
control her horse on rides in a Horse Riding Club that I started in Dec 2007.
After ringing The Cancer Counsel and being offered more counseling for myself from The Women's Health Center my husband finally decided he would benefit from counseling. We will hear when the appointment will be on Tuesday but could be two weeks. At least it has started him thinking that I need some space and realise that we have never been able to live in one another's pocket- not something you would believe before you are married- but the signs were there even then.
Sept 1980 - Anger because I bit him as I kissed in our first few months together as it made his lip sore when in reality is was a lip cancer which was treated with Radiotherapy in January 1983. Being my first boyfriend I believed I was kissing wrong but could never get it right!
I moved states and effected an interhospital transfer adding 3 mths onto my time to serve as a student nurse in June 1981 and began living 120 miles away from my Fiance and seeing him on my days off. Whenever he would be picking me up to go to see my parents some distance away, he would be lots later than the planned time and even the Nursing home sister questioned should I really continue my life with this man who seemed to have no respect for me. - Telling me to "rack off" (but in other words) when I made a suggestion after he had flattened a car tyre doing a burn out- then crawling lovlingly back so he was forgiven. This became the pattern of our relationship with many bunches or flowers given when I would have rather not being hurt in the first place.
May 1982 - Not recognizing me when he came in for a shower after having swigged a bottle of rum so as not to feel the water that was so cold when he and the workman had to change the foot valve in the Autumn- this was on our last evening together before I left to get ready for our marriage- many times in that month I would think "I should not be marrying him" but felt it was those Bridal Jitters- it will be ok -and the long nightly phone calls reassured me!
I was an unwanted middle child born 12 mths and 11 days after a sister who had been born with severe talipes so had many trips to specialists and daily physio done by my mother. She is lucky she even walks even though she has two different sized feet due to my mother's dedication with her exercises but this obvious feeling that her little sister took her Mother away from her has colored much of our relationship. I was a tongue tied baby who could not suck properly so would go to sleep on the breast only to wake a short while later screaming but the clock did not say I was hungry so out under the tree in the big cane pram I would go until I had my tongue tie cut and was put on a bottle at 2 mths of age. I gained a brother almost 17mths later and he was treated as the second child with me being the afterthought- I got everything the year behind him instead of the year ahead of him. I remember not being allowed out of the car all day in town when I was 5 yrs old when during the 60 mile trip I wiped my black polished shoe on my white sock leaving it with a black smudge but I was given a shop dress doll that I named Susan to console me and she was very much loved. She now resides in the Hospital Museum at The Heritage Village, Parkhurst, Central Qld, Australia. When I was 14 my parents fostered a little girl which then gave me a place in the family as her carer- how I loved that little girl, rushing home from school to spend every afternoon wheeling her around our small country town. Her children fell like my grandchildren and one even said "You're a good Grandma, Auntie Joan"! I have always made myself needed and work as a Nurse/Midwife so am very needed. -but I would love to feel wanted! The little girl I help and my younger sister's daughter's answer this need whereas my husband does not.
My husband was one of 6 with a 7th born just the year before my little sister. 2 older girls then the 5 boys so he always had company to help him do things which is coming against him now as he tries to work our hobby farm with small crops alone. I loved that big family atmosphere but unfortunately it fell apart when one of his brothers was killed in vehicle accident on Christmas Eve 1984 when our son was just 8 mths old.
That was when we were at a crossroads too- not wanting to live in isolation on a large property with my husband's father and stepmother after living there alone for the past 6 mths and the deceased brother had been wanting to come and work the property with us- I was the last person to speak to him and we had a hard time saying goodbye to each other with me promising we would fly out in the family private plane to hold a family meeting where he lived when the boy's parents were coming through to begin living where we were. The aim was to swap places leaving the oldies at the town and the two boys farming together but God had other plans. We ended up taking over the farm of the deceased brother and leaving the large property to be run by the boy's father and stepmother. I'll never forget the "Are you clearing off now" from Stepmother when we left the property.
After ringing The Cancer Counsel and being offered more counseling for myself from The Women's Health Center my husband finally decided he would benefit from counseling. We will hear when the appointment will be on Tuesday but could be two weeks. At least it has started him thinking that I need some space and realise that we have never been able to live in one another's pocket- not something you would believe before you are married- but the signs were there even then.
Sept 1980 - Anger because I bit him as I kissed in our first few months together as it made his lip sore when in reality is was a lip cancer which was treated with Radiotherapy in January 1983. Being my first boyfriend I believed I was kissing wrong but could never get it right!
I moved states and effected an interhospital transfer adding 3 mths onto my time to serve as a student nurse in June 1981 and began living 120 miles away from my Fiance and seeing him on my days off. Whenever he would be picking me up to go to see my parents some distance away, he would be lots later than the planned time and even the Nursing home sister questioned should I really continue my life with this man who seemed to have no respect for me. - Telling me to "rack off" (but in other words) when I made a suggestion after he had flattened a car tyre doing a burn out- then crawling lovlingly back so he was forgiven. This became the pattern of our relationship with many bunches or flowers given when I would have rather not being hurt in the first place.
May 1982 - Not recognizing me when he came in for a shower after having swigged a bottle of rum so as not to feel the water that was so cold when he and the workman had to change the foot valve in the Autumn- this was on our last evening together before I left to get ready for our marriage- many times in that month I would think "I should not be marrying him" but felt it was those Bridal Jitters- it will be ok -and the long nightly phone calls reassured me!
I was an unwanted middle child born 12 mths and 11 days after a sister who had been born with severe talipes so had many trips to specialists and daily physio done by my mother. She is lucky she even walks even though she has two different sized feet due to my mother's dedication with her exercises but this obvious feeling that her little sister took her Mother away from her has colored much of our relationship. I was a tongue tied baby who could not suck properly so would go to sleep on the breast only to wake a short while later screaming but the clock did not say I was hungry so out under the tree in the big cane pram I would go until I had my tongue tie cut and was put on a bottle at 2 mths of age. I gained a brother almost 17mths later and he was treated as the second child with me being the afterthought- I got everything the year behind him instead of the year ahead of him. I remember not being allowed out of the car all day in town when I was 5 yrs old when during the 60 mile trip I wiped my black polished shoe on my white sock leaving it with a black smudge but I was given a shop dress doll that I named Susan to console me and she was very much loved. She now resides in the Hospital Museum at The Heritage Village, Parkhurst, Central Qld, Australia. When I was 14 my parents fostered a little girl which then gave me a place in the family as her carer- how I loved that little girl, rushing home from school to spend every afternoon wheeling her around our small country town. Her children fell like my grandchildren and one even said "You're a good Grandma, Auntie Joan"! I have always made myself needed and work as a Nurse/Midwife so am very needed. -but I would love to feel wanted! The little girl I help and my younger sister's daughter's answer this need whereas my husband does not.
My husband was one of 6 with a 7th born just the year before my little sister. 2 older girls then the 5 boys so he always had company to help him do things which is coming against him now as he tries to work our hobby farm with small crops alone. I loved that big family atmosphere but unfortunately it fell apart when one of his brothers was killed in vehicle accident on Christmas Eve 1984 when our son was just 8 mths old.
That was when we were at a crossroads too- not wanting to live in isolation on a large property with my husband's father and stepmother after living there alone for the past 6 mths and the deceased brother had been wanting to come and work the property with us- I was the last person to speak to him and we had a hard time saying goodbye to each other with me promising we would fly out in the family private plane to hold a family meeting where he lived when the boy's parents were coming through to begin living where we were. The aim was to swap places leaving the oldies at the town and the two boys farming together but God had other plans. We ended up taking over the farm of the deceased brother and leaving the large property to be run by the boy's father and stepmother. I'll never forget the "Are you clearing off now" from Stepmother when we left the property.
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Where to from here?
Where to from here?
At 52 yrs,7 months and 1 week of age I have decided I need aloneness to heal. I now sleep in our lovely Caromal Capri caravan while my husband of 31 yrs, 4 mths, 1 week and 1 day is in our new "Creek Home' after an angry outburst from my husband - If anyone stresses me and I talk about it to him he demands I have nothing more to do with them instead of just listening so finally I have decided to act against the one who is causing me the most stress.
We changed location in November last year, moving out of our home and having my son, his wife and baby move in and we moved to a dongha at my relaxation spot on our 50 acre property in an effort to bring peace and contentment into our lives after my husband has suffered from an invading Squamous Skin Carcinoma with 4 operations and Radiotherapy in May 2011. He had Radiotherapy to Lip Cancers in Jan 1983 just 18 mths after our marriage and again in 1996 and several small operations for BCCs
We are living without mains power using solar and 12v in the same way as a caravan does, and have the most beautiful spring fed creek just below us- such a special spot but such disharmony reining there.
At 52 yrs,7 months and 1 week of age I have decided I need aloneness to heal. I now sleep in our lovely Caromal Capri caravan while my husband of 31 yrs, 4 mths, 1 week and 1 day is in our new "Creek Home' after an angry outburst from my husband - If anyone stresses me and I talk about it to him he demands I have nothing more to do with them instead of just listening so finally I have decided to act against the one who is causing me the most stress.
We changed location in November last year, moving out of our home and having my son, his wife and baby move in and we moved to a dongha at my relaxation spot on our 50 acre property in an effort to bring peace and contentment into our lives after my husband has suffered from an invading Squamous Skin Carcinoma with 4 operations and Radiotherapy in May 2011. He had Radiotherapy to Lip Cancers in Jan 1983 just 18 mths after our marriage and again in 1996 and several small operations for BCCs
We are living without mains power using solar and 12v in the same way as a caravan does, and have the most beautiful spring fed creek just below us- such a special spot but such disharmony reining there.
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