What prompted my decision for more alone time was an angry outburst where my
husband forbid me to have anything to do with a little girl who needs
me, a boy who needs help riding a big green horse and a lady who does not
control her horse on rides in a Horse Riding Club that I started in Dec 2007.
After ringing The Cancer Counsel and being offered more counseling for myself from The Women's Health Center my husband finally decided he would benefit from counseling. We will hear when the appointment will be on Tuesday but could be two weeks. At least it has started him thinking that I need some space and realise that we have never been able to live in one another's pocket- not something you would believe before you are married- but the signs were there even then.
Sept 1980 - Anger because I bit him as I kissed in our first few months together as it made his lip sore when in reality is was a lip cancer which was treated with Radiotherapy in January 1983. Being my first boyfriend I believed I was kissing wrong but could never get it right!
I moved states and effected an interhospital transfer adding 3 mths onto my time to serve as a student nurse in June 1981 and began living 120 miles away from my Fiance and seeing him on my days off. Whenever he would be picking me up to go to see my parents some distance away, he would be lots later than the planned time and even the Nursing home sister questioned should I really continue my life with this man who seemed to have no respect for me. - Telling me to "rack off" (but in other words) when I made a suggestion after he had flattened a car tyre doing a burn out- then crawling lovlingly back so he was forgiven. This became the pattern of our relationship with many bunches or flowers given when I would have rather not being hurt in the first place.
May 1982 - Not recognizing me when he came in for a shower after having swigged a bottle of rum so as not to feel the water that was so cold when he and the workman had to change the foot valve in the Autumn- this was on our last evening together before I left to get ready for our marriage- many times in that month I would think "I should not be marrying him" but felt it was those Bridal Jitters- it will be ok -and the long nightly phone calls reassured me!
I was an unwanted middle child born 12 mths and 11 days after a sister who had been born with severe talipes so had many trips to specialists and daily physio done by my mother. She is lucky she even walks even though she has two different sized feet due to my mother's dedication with her exercises but this obvious feeling that her little sister took her Mother away from her has colored much of our relationship. I was a tongue tied baby who could not suck properly so would go to sleep on the breast only to wake a short while later screaming but the clock did not say I was hungry so out under the tree in the big cane pram I would go until I had my tongue tie cut and was put on a bottle at 2 mths of age. I gained a brother almost 17mths later and he was treated as the second child with me being the afterthought- I got everything the year behind him instead of the year ahead of him. I remember not being allowed out of the car all day in town when I was 5 yrs old when during the 60 mile trip I wiped my black polished shoe on my white sock leaving it with a black smudge but I was given a shop dress doll that I named Susan to console me and she was very much loved. She now resides in the Hospital Museum at The Heritage Village, Parkhurst, Central Qld, Australia. When I was 14 my parents fostered a little girl which then gave me a place in the family as her carer- how I loved that little girl, rushing home from school to spend every afternoon wheeling her around our small country town. Her children fell like my grandchildren and one even said "You're a good Grandma, Auntie Joan"! I have always made myself needed and work as a Nurse/Midwife so am very needed. -but I would love to feel wanted! The little girl I help and my younger sister's daughter's answer this need whereas my husband does not.
My husband was one of 6 with a 7th born just the year before my little sister. 2 older girls then the 5 boys so he always had company to help him do things which is coming against him now as he tries to work our hobby farm with small crops alone. I loved that big family atmosphere but unfortunately it fell apart when one of his brothers was killed in vehicle accident on Christmas Eve 1984 when our son was just 8 mths old.
That was when we were at a crossroads too- not wanting to live in isolation on a large property with my husband's father and stepmother after living there alone for the past 6 mths and the deceased brother had been wanting to come and work the property with us- I was the last person to speak to him and we had a hard time saying goodbye to each other with me promising we would fly out in the family private plane to hold a family meeting where he lived when the boy's parents were coming through to begin living where we were. The aim was to swap places leaving the oldies at the town and the two boys farming together but God had other plans. We ended up taking over the farm of the deceased brother and leaving the large property to be run by the boy's father and stepmother. I'll never forget the "Are you clearing off now" from Stepmother when we left the property.
